writer of science fiction, fantasy, and horror
- Don’t write. Ever. Words will magically appear on the page. Don’t worry about it.
- Grammar is someone you should call at least once a month. If they’re in a seniors home, visit them. You might be in their will.
- No need to read anything, especially in the genre of your choosing. Every idea that comes out of your head is a unique gift to share with the world. Dragons that horde gold, cars that can fly, monsters that hide in dark places, all original because you thought of them all by yourself.
- Watch a lot of television. Get streaming services. Play computer games. Occupy every second with frivilous endevours so that you can rightfully complain about not having time to write.
- Make sure to ridicule every writer. Do so publicly. They’re all hacks with barely half the talent you possess in your little finger. Besides you’ll never meet them face-to-face...probably.
- Never submit anything, ever. Magazines and book publishers will find you from all that insightful ranting you do on social media.
- Never rewrite or edit your work. That first draft is gold and ready to go.
- Any rejections or unfavorable reviews demand immediate vitriolic response on every social media platform so the world can share in your righteous indignation.
- Don’t do research. Just make stuff up. I mean, it’s called fiction for a reason, right?
- Writing is sedentary. If you feel your breathing becoming laboured and your gut spilling out over your waistline that’s just the hazards of the job. And hey! An artist’s work doubles in value after death, or is that painters?
- Be sure to waste hours thinking of stupid writing rules to post on a blog no one reads because you're just oh, so clever.
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My story, First Pillar of Wisdom, appears in the anthology Tesseracts 22: Alchemy and Artifcacts, eds. Lorina Stephens and Susan MacGregor, Edge Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing.
My story, Strings, appears in On Spec Vol 29 #3-4 (double issue)